its difficult to comprehend every new day that is faced. i know my 'troubles', if they are even worthy to be called as such, are nothing to the predicaments of the world. but still, it is hard to fathom that today is not yesterday. that i am no longer to wear a green skirt or able to seek solace in a place where faces are familiar and i am not aloof. if i had known 3 months ago, where i would be today, i think i would not believe myself. im not even talking about my school. my school is great, i quite like it actually. only the people, i wish, could disapparate. its silly things i think about at night before i sleep. i imagine what he will look like next to me and i can place a face on him, it is always the same face. its silly things i think of in the morning, while im in the shower. are humans considered amphibious since we have to learn how to swim and the ability is not particularly inborn in us? am i using too much soap? i think id like to live in the 1800's. id have nothing to do all day but read books and take walks and write. travel in my carriage and call on acquaintances. id probably be married by now, maybe even expecting a baby. would i be happier if life were simpler? i think so.
sometimes i think there is no point in what we do. we dont seek education as an employment for the mind. we seek it as a means of transportation, if you like, to a good job and to a life where we will not have to worry when the next paycheck is coming. we have no time to see the sunset or the sunrise, or even to watch the world around us go by. if this is what life is going to be like, chasing after the next thing, always trying to answer the question: whats next?, then im not sure that i can say with any passion or conviction, that i love life.
i dont want to know what comes after. i want to experience today first. leave me and my present alone. there was something in the book i was reading that mentioned freedom is only an imaginary circumstance. it is only a theory. we are never fully free of anything; responsibilities, appointments, choices. it is a futile attempt, we will always be controlled either by our judgement, morals, emotions or some higher point of authority.
so really, what is the point? death is an unavoidable fate, what does it matter if we earned this much and not that much? what does it matter if your name is ang and mine williams? we both breathe from the same organ, our hearts beat to the same rhythm. your every feature is alike with mine. your mind is no more or less capable of the things mine are. so what differentiates us? so many would say culture, race, upbringing, character. are these really the things you first notice in a person you meet for the first time? or is it the colour of their hair, the clothes they wear, the way they walk and talk?
these thoughts dont flow. they are only the thoughts that accompany me on my way to school and before i go to sleep every night. they are all i can turn to when the faces that i once sought so much, have now gone.
